Bill’s Story

“I feel like I know everyone else’s story by heart and can relate to all. After a recent crisis and diagnosis, I’ve been examining this ( and other sites like it. Thank-you to all who have shared their stories. I’ve struggled with the symptoms of this condition for as long as I can remember. The first vivid memory I have is during a 2,600-mile-long family road trip where I noticed my younger brother was breathing loudly. I alerted my mother, who assured me he was OK. In a short time this had escalated into yelling, and me positioning my head against the window and my bicep in such a way that I couldn’t hear him.

“This scene played out over and over in my family. Mealtimes were anxiety-provoking, and filled with anger, hurt feelings, abandonment, and self-loathing. I rarely ate with my folks and brother at mealtime. I rarely accompanied them on family outings. Believing I liked nature, I remember searching for secluded places outdoors. I wonder now if I wasn’t seeking some relief. University was hell – sniffles, gum chewing/popping, coughing, shuffling feet. Towards the end of my program I did not go to class but studied on my own or with a close friend. Miso has played a part in all my significant relationships, contributing to a divorce.

“I developed an addiction at an early age but have been sober for twenty-seven years (not always easy). It’s hard for me to overlook how the possibility of using a substance to manage miso could be problematic. I’m fifty-one years old now and feel like I’m starting something new again. As I said earlier, this diagnosis puts my life in a new perspective. I had forgotten about the mealtime anxieties and self-loathing, the look on my brother’s face when I’d look at him in rage and hatred. I hated myself for this; no one deserves those looks. I thought my mother hated me and regretted my birth. I can’t ignore how difficult life with me must have been. In the end I became a loner, finding it easier to be alone than with others. There have been significant people in my life, but miso has always surfaced.

“The aspect of this diagnosis that I find hopeful is how it may just be legitimate. I say that with respect to all that believe its legitimacy. I’ve spent my whole life being told and believing ‘it’s all in my head’ or ‘just ignore it,’ and believing that I was fundamentally broken. I’m in a relationship now with a reasonably understanding lady who says we can work this out. I hope we can, because I’m tired of believing I’m broken.

“I want to acknowledge how difficult it is for those around me and at the same time respect my struggles. I’ve never considered that maybe there is a possibility that this thing is beyond my control and that it is OK to ask for help. It sounds like a fairytale… thinking I can ask for help. I’ve got a lot of respect for all those who have put themselves on the line asking for help with this from those around them.

“Thanks for giving me this opportunity to express this.”